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I love it when my close friends share that they’re expecting. It’s exciting news that should be met with celebration and genuine happiness. And more often than not, that news comes from friends who have long expressed a deep desire to be a parent. Their joy aligns with what they’ve wanted for years, and that makes sense to me
But lately I’ve noticed that when other people share their pregnancy news — not friends, not acquaintances, but people online whose work I follow — I feel something sharp and emotional that I’m still trying to understand. Sometimes it feels like a shock. Sometimes disappointment. Sometimes, something deeper in my body that I can’t immediately name.
The first time I noticed this was when I opened a weekly newsletter from a brand I adore. One section announced that one of its contributors was expecting. I had misread the author of that section and assumed it was written by the contributor who has always been vocally, unapologetically child-free by choice.
My immediate reaction was to feel sad, upset, and genuinely thrown off. Which is so wild, BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW THIS PERSON PERSONALLY, and their decision to have a child does not impact me at all.
In hindsight, my response wasn’t really about this writer having a baby. It was about what she had represented to me: someone who championed women’s autonomy, questioned tradition, rejected patriarchal expectations, and openly claimed the identity of “child-free by choice.” She felt like a model of a life that I was actively entertaining. So when I thought she was choosing motherhood, it felt like whiplash. Like someone flipping the script without warning. Like a familiar injury being poked again.
Because I still hold small-t trauma from the two times in my life when I believed I was aligned with friends about the child-free path, only to learn we weren’t actually on the same page. Maybe the same book. Definitely not on the same page.
So even though I don’t know this writer in real life, the feeling of abandonment was real. It felt like someone I had quietly relied on as evidence that my choice wasn’t unusual, or selfish, or misguided, had suddenly switched up on me.
It’s kind of weird and fucked up, but it has made me wonder: When my friends announce pregnancies, am I truly only feeling happiness for them? Or, beneath that happiness, are there other emotions I haven’t fully admitted? And maybe less so when they’ve shown clear conviction for always wanting children, but more so when someone has ever hinted at uncertainty — or at the possibility of choosing the child-free path
always knew that they wanted to have children, but more so if they ever showed hints of being on the fence or potentially flirting with a child-free life.
Currently, I have two very close friends, and also my sister who have indicated wanting to be child-free. These people are in their mid 30s to early 40s but are also single. And so while I do think I am fostering a sort of identity kinship with them around this choice I am also aware of keeping a little bit of distance to ensure that I’m not yet again blindsided by people for whom I thought we were walking the same walk and reading the same page instead of just the same book.
Right now, I have two close friends and my sister who have hinted at a possible child-free future. They’re all in their mid-30s to early 40s, and single. I feel a kind of identity kinship with them. But I’m also aware that I keep a little distance in that kinship. Not emotionally, but protectively. Part of me is careful not to assume we’re walking the exact same path, or staying in the same chapter, or even reading the same page. Because I’ve learned, painfully and repeatedly, that people can stand beside me in uncertainty while facing an entirely different direction.
I’m learning that when someone I relate to chooses a different path, it stirs up old feelings I haven’t fully processed and reminds me that some fears and disappointments are still unresolved.
Reflection:
- Have you ever felt disappointed or shaken when someone you identified with made a different life choice than you expected?
- Whose choices feel personally meaningful to you, even if they don’t know it?
- What emotions come up for you when people in your life — or people you follow — choose paths different from your own?
