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If you’re anything like me, you grew up assuming you would have children. This belief came from cultural upbringing, unquestioned ideology, and plain ol’ gendered expectations – because of course all women want to have babies.
- As a child I spent many hours in mother-child role-playing.
- As a teenager, I talked with friends about getting married, having two or three kids, and living a fabulous, grown-up life.
- In my 20s, those same friends and I discussed what it would mean to “juggle it all” — the husband, the career, the kids, and somehow getting our bodies back.
Simply put, for the first nearly 25years of my life, the belief that I would become a mother played like a familiar song on constant repeat in the background of my life.
And then, almost without noticing it, the volume of the song lowered.
And then, almost without noticing it, the volume of the song lowered.
I was somewhere between 25 and 27 year old, working on my PhD when I realized that somewhere along the way, the volume shifted. Not off — just down. Quiet enough for me to finally hear myself think, and to realize that this wasn’t the only song available to me.
I don’t remember the exact date, but I remember it being a shoulder-season afternoon, perfect sweatshirt weather. I drove to a nearby lake for a walk and realized I had forgotten my headphones. So instead of music, it would just be me and my thoughts.
And while I have very limited recollection of how I occupied my mind during that walk, what I remember vividly is that it was the first time in my entire life that I considered the possibility of not becoming a mother.
In an instant, my belief shifted from “I will be a mother” to “Do I want to be a mother?”
The soundtrack of motherhood didn’t disappear; it simply softened. And in that softness, I understood for the first time that I could choose what music I wanted to play next.
Reflection Questions:
- When did you first realize you had a choice about whether or not you became a parent?
- What moment, subtle or significant, first made you question your assumed path?
- Have you ever imagined a version of your life that didn’t include parenthood? What sparked that curiosity?
- If you’ve chosen (or are choosing) a child-free life, when did that sense of clarity first emerge?
